I'm in my way (day 132)

Resentment is an interesting emotion -- feeling put upon by your own life.
"Always meditate on whatever provokes resentment" is a Lojong slogan.  When I first heard it I didn't think I had a lot of resentment in my life.  It seemed to me that resentment was a big sentiment like resenting being disrespected as a woman or resenting Stephen Harper's policies, things like that.  It seemed like it was something that we feel when situations are beyond our control yet affect us.

Turns out the majority of resentment is much more subtle than that.  It's much more about resisting life.  Instead of joyfully acting in the world, we grudgingly act, as if someone is making us do it.  It's a trick of the mind, where for whatever reason we create an other that makes us do things.  And then we resent that other.   When I first noticed this, I thought it was tragic and funny....and easily remedied.  It's not actually that easy but it's as simple as getting strong abs.  Repetition is key.  Practicing taking responsibility for whatever I'm doing.  Not easy when I'd rather be doing something else.  I have my own slogan: "Anything worth doing well is worth doing over and over again."

Bigger resentment that is very specifically targeted at other people is somewhat easier to deal with.  The antidote is related to another slogan "Be grateful to everyone".

So why am I writing about resentment?  I've been feeling a lot of it lately.  Partially it's circumstance:   a vacation that didn't go as planned, projects getting in the way of other projects, people needing things I don't feel I can give, relentless feeds of information.  It's like I wake up to a traffic jam.  I'm working on it.

A song for this post.