Fresh interruptions (day 133)

I popped in to work today for the first time since the break.  I loved it.  There are so many smart, beautiful, interesting people there.   I felt refreshed hearing about new developments from my students, a simulation and modeling project for emergency rooms, and general lab plans for the new year.   It was a constant stream of interruptions and I welcomed each one as a pleasant surprise.  I am grateful to work in a place that is constantly reinventing itself.  There's always a sense of unbalance: just when you where starting to get comfortable, something changes.  There are definitely some less desirable aspects to that state but overall it's kept me feeling alert and interested.

It's hard to remember now how tired I was at the end of term...and hard to believe how tired I'll be at the end of this term.  For now, I relish the freshness in the air.

A song for this post.

I'm in my way (day 132)

Resentment is an interesting emotion -- feeling put upon by your own life.
"Always meditate on whatever provokes resentment" is a Lojong slogan.  When I first heard it I didn't think I had a lot of resentment in my life.  It seemed to me that resentment was a big sentiment like resenting being disrespected as a woman or resenting Stephen Harper's policies, things like that.  It seemed like it was something that we feel when situations are beyond our control yet affect us.

Turns out the majority of resentment is much more subtle than that.  It's much more about resisting life.  Instead of joyfully acting in the world, we grudgingly act, as if someone is making us do it.  It's a trick of the mind, where for whatever reason we create an other that makes us do things.  And then we resent that other.   When I first noticed this, I thought it was tragic and funny....and easily remedied.  It's not actually that easy but it's as simple as getting strong abs.  Repetition is key.  Practicing taking responsibility for whatever I'm doing.  Not easy when I'd rather be doing something else.  I have my own slogan: "Anything worth doing well is worth doing over and over again."

Bigger resentment that is very specifically targeted at other people is somewhat easier to deal with.  The antidote is related to another slogan "Be grateful to everyone".

So why am I writing about resentment?  I've been feeling a lot of it lately.  Partially it's circumstance:   a vacation that didn't go as planned, projects getting in the way of other projects, people needing things I don't feel I can give, relentless feeds of information.  It's like I wake up to a traffic jam.  I'm working on it.

A song for this post.